Anxiety & Anger

What is the purpose of anxiety and anger?

by Moriah Mason, CSW

As humans, we all have felt painful or uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety and anger. It is helpful to realize, however, that most of the time, anxiety and anger are secondary emotions. This means that they are reactions to another powerful emotion that we are feeling. If you can pause, take a deep breath, and then ask yourself “What is really going on here?” The answer is usually not that you are feeling anxiety and anger, but that maybe you are feeling sad or fearful. When someone hurts you, all the feelings you feel are valid. Let them guide you to how you are really feeling and have compassion for yourself. If you can imagine a child coming to you feeling scared and lonely and how kind and loving you would be to them, it can help you be more patient and accepting with yourself. You deserve to be treated that way as well. 

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a person’s reaction to a situation that threatens their well-being.  Anxiety symptoms can vary depending on the person and the situation. You might first notice the changes in your body-shortness of breath, a tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, sweating, trouble sleeping, tenseness in your muscles, or even a headache. 

What is anger?

Anger is described as an emotional state that arises from a difficult situation. Some signs of anger include reacting by yelling, withdrawing, storming out of a room, experiencing a panic attack, crying, or doing something impulsive. 

What is the purpose of anxiety?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, tells us that in many ways, our brains have still not evolved from the ways of thinking that our cavemen ancestors did. Cavemen were always on the lookout for danger because resources were scarce. It was also important for ancient people to have a community to survive. When we feel rejected, lonely, scared, or threatened we are activating those same parts of our brains that have been triggered for thousands of years. While experiencing these emotions is not a pleasant experience, they can tell us important information about ourselves. So what can we do with this information?

First, it’s important to realize that when you feel these unpleasant emotions- it is your brain’s way of protecting you. Our minds are always looking out for us. And while that doesn’t stop us from the discomfort, it can help us recognize what is happening. One way that I like to help myself when I feel anxious is by thanking my brain, as silly as that sounds. I recognize the emotion and then thank my brain for looking out for me. I would mentally or out loud say to myself “I am feeling anxious right now. Thank you brain for having my back.”

Lastly, let your emotions tell you about yourself. Chances are if you are feeling anxiety and anger about something, it means a lot to you. Of course you will be upset if those valuable things in your life are threatened! If you are someone who tries to talk yourself out of feeling your emotions or feels shame when you feel anxiety and anger, you can validate yourself by knowing that you deeply care about something. How lucky you are to feel passionately about people or aspects of your life. What a gift.

Feeling “negative” emotions is uncomfortable, but extremely important in order to move through life in a healthy way, keep your mental health in check, practice self-care, and learn about yourself. The next time you feel these feelings rise up, don’t be afraid to pause and acknowledge the emotion, thank your brain for looking out for you, and see what you can learn from them. 

Shame: What is it and why is it harmful?

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior”. It can stem from making mistakes, doing something that goes against our values, or embarrassment. It’s such an unpleasant feeling that it causes us to make harsh judgments about ourselves. Brene Brown has become a modern expert on shame, having spent years studying it. She has talked about how shame tells us that we are “bad” rather than we “did something bad”. Shame can be a very unhelpful emotion in our progress to grow and become better people. 

What can we do when we start to spiral with shame? Our human brains often default to criticism, but shame can increase the pain we are already experiencing from the mistakes we make. Here are some ideas for helping you not get caught up in this dangerous emotion:

• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Chances are they’ve felt similar feelings and can offer you empathy. Empathy helps you know that you are alone.

• Part of forgiving yourself involves learning from your mistakes. What can you take away from this experience to become a better person?

• Close your eyes and imagine someone you love feeling the way you do. What would you say to them? Can you repeat those words to yourself until they start to sink in?

• Remember that beating yourself up does not change what happened, it only makes you feel even worse. 

• Think about how you are made of many parts and facets. You are much more than what you did.

• Often our challenges overshadow the good things that happen. Make a list of the value you bring to others and to the world. 

• Allow yourself to feel sad for what you did but extend yourself enough kindness to remember that it is not your identity.

---

Moriah Mason is offering weekday and evening therapy sessions at The EFT Clinic’s Millcreek location. To schedule a session with Moriah, email moriah@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Self-Care: When You Can't Get Away

6 Ideas for Self-Care When You Can’t Get Away

by Kate Johnson, LAMFT

I should have seen it coming. After 11 months of slogging through the pandemic and all that comes with it, plus the looming deadline of a project two years in the making, stress levels in our household were already at an all-time high when my husband tested positive for COVID-19. We stressed over his health, my health, our kid’s health, and everyone with whom we’d come in contact. Everything came to a screeching halt while we scrambled to arrange school and work to be done at home while we quarantined. My anxiety was off the charts. If my loved ones, neighbors, and clients were any indication, I knew I was not alone.

Times like these call for intentional self-care techniques to manage it all. The difficulty for many is that some activities we do to fill our tanks are not available in the pandemic, especially when we are stuck at home in lock-down. Quarantine for those that live with others often means no time alone to rest and recenter. Those that live alone often feel isolated and disconnected. It’s a challenge for everyone. I had to dig deep and get creative to find some activities that could still provide the rest and re-centering I needed to juggle everything.

Here are six ideas for self-care when you can’t get away. These can be done alone or with others. Got kids? Practicing these ideas are great to teach and model for your children. We’re a system— if I can manage stress and stay calm, others are more likely to follow suit. Bad temper spreads, but so does good temper.

1. Breathe. Yep, it’s that simple. When things feel out of control, chaotic, and stressful, even 30 seconds of intentional breathing can help regulate the heart rate, get oxygen to the brain, and calm nerves.

2. Focus. Being intentional and focused can make a big difference. When you touch something, really touch it. Pay attention to how delightful it is to hold a warm cup of something delicious or how soft your favorite sweater feels against your skin.

3. Move. The benefits of moving our bodies is undeniable. In quarantine in the dead of winter? No thanks. It’s the couch and Netflix for me, thanks. I get it, but before you get wrapped up in that cozy blanket, go for a stroll, do a few jumping jacks, walk up and down the stairs, or walk the dog. Even the family might join in. (There is nothing funnier than watching little kids try to do jumping jacks. And, bonus! laughter is great exercise.)

4. Connect. Isolation breeds isolation, even when you’re with others. In quarantine alone: Call a friend. Zoom a family member. In quarantine with others: Be present with the people with you whenever you can. Take just a few minutes to look them in the eyes, give them a hug, be curious about their experience. While I was with my kids almost every moment of every day, I wasn’t present, intentional, or curious very often. When I was, it made all the difference.

5. Have Compassion. For yourself and others. Whether you say it out loud or in your head, tell yourself “this is hard and I’m doing the best I can and so is everyone else.”

6. Journal. Whether it’s the written word, art, or photo journaling, stop to remember that this is history. This is also temporary. Keeping a journal is a way of reminding ourselves that it won’t always be this way. We can look back at this time and be proud we made it through!

Are these going to have the same impact as a date night out with my partner, a weekend away with friends, or a luxurious vacation? Of course not, but these six ideas for self-care can give us the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Welcome Erica Voorhees

The EFT Clinic is pleased to welcome Erica Voorhees, CSW, to our team of exceptional therapists!

Erica firmly believes true joy and peace in life comes from creating healthy relationships with yourself & others, and facing life challenges by developing skills to overcome them.  Through personal experience and formal education, Erica has developed a skillset to help others experience joy and peace in their own lives. Her compassionate demeanor creates a safe environment where you and your loved ones can experience relief in expressing your painful emotions and heartfelt desires for healing.

Erica specializes in treating individuals dealing with marital conflict, divorce, postpartum depression/anxiety, low self-worth, anxiety, depression, pornography addiction, trauma, and greif/loss. She uses a collaborative approach to help you develop skills and coping strategies to overcome trials, resolve conflicts, and face new beginnings with confidence!  

In her free time, Erica enjoys reading, writing her own piano songs, experiencing new adventures, and creating lasting memories with family and friends.

Erica is accepting new clients at both our Lehi and Millcreek offices, and via Telehealth online. To schedule an appointment with her, please visit her webpage by clicking here.

Validation Vantage Point

Validation Vantage Point

by Clover Noel, LMFT

My best friend and I were hiking when we reached a beautiful vantage point at the mountaintop. We could see the various canyons below, as well as the city lights coming on in the valley. I pointed my telescope towards the city lights when I saw something in the streets below that hurt my heart. I said, “Oh, that’s so sad. That really hurts my heart.” My friend responded, “What are you talking about? This is great!” I turned to look at him and saw that he had his telescope pointed at the stars that were just coming out. We were standing at the same spot of the mountain but experiencing two totally different things. It was in that moment I realized that what I was longing for was for him to look through my telescope.

Validation can be compared to looking through each other’s telescopes. It’s seeing what the other person is seeing. It’s hearing the other person’s experience. It’s coming to understand their perspective and empathizing with the emotion expressed. In our most meaningful relationships, the key to effective communication and connection is validation.

There are some common misconceptions when it comes to validation. To clarify:

• Validation is not agreeing with the person.

• Validation is not returning with a ‘fix it’ response. More often than not, people want to be heard and understood rather than corrected.

• Furthermore, it is not sharing “I’ve been there and so I know what you’re experiencing.” That response would be like bringing the focus back to your own telescope rather than exploring their telescope and experience.

Validation is exploring another person’s experience and empathizing with the emotion. It might sound something like:

• “I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through.”

• “I can see how (insert emotion expressed) that would be.”

• “That would be really hard.”

• “That sounds really overwhelming.”

• “Tell me if I have it correct. What I’m hearing you say is, my statement was very hurtful towards you and it is not the first time you have felt this way.”

• “Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. You feel like you don’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, and you have built up a lot of resentment. Is that it?”

In conflict, there is nothing so disarming and unifying as validation. When we take turns looking through each other’s telescopes, it allows us to see a bigger picture and we attain greater clarity of the situation. In addition, when we feel understood, we can put down our protective armor and look through each other’s telescopes rather than whacking each other with them.

Genuine validation fosters an environment of emotional safety and cultivates a deeper level of understanding and meaningful connection. It generates the golden opportunity of allowing loved ones to feel heard and understood, and that they matter and are valued. Truly, the optimal vantage point in communication is validation.

---

Clover Noel is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. She serves her clients with diligence, compassion, and grace. Clover believes everyone is on a journey, and she considers it an honor and privilege to help clients along their journey of healing and well-being.
To schedule an appointment, email clover@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.